As you may or may not know by now, The Man-of-Mystery is not the gregarious sort and has few true friendships. Not that Im complaining. You see, like many of you, I have a great family and they support me unconditionally in my work, my personal struggles, and my achievements. They are my true North. In turn, they are a great source of pride for me, and I thought it might be a nice gesture if I let my guard down just this one time and exposed the human side of the Mystery Man by sharing some of my family with you. Enjoy.
My mother said this is the only known photo ever taken of me. Said I got all the looks in the family (I dont understand then why there werent more pictures?). She said it was so cute the way drool would run down my chin when I saw a pretty girl. I sure loved my mother.
This is my mother, God rest her soul. One time she hit my cousin Mary Ann with a suitcase right in the head. When she got mad at me shed tell me to go piss up a greasy rope. Mom had lots of sayings like that. Her best friends were Jesus, Mary, and Joseph and she liked to mention their names almost every day. I never met them.
This is Stephen, my brother-in-law. Hes in Gratersford Prison right now. When he gets out hes not allowed to be around chickens, sheep, pillows stuffed with goose down, or any type of clothing lined with wool.
This is my niece Katie from Pottstown. She dates Black men (not that theres anything wrong with that) and she models for print ads that sell plus-size-stretchy-pants. She can be seen regularly on Trailer-Trash.com. One time she got so mad at me that her boyfriend Don sent 25 negroes to gang me. Boy did they . . . they all asked me at the same time if I could loan em a quarter. I learned my lesson that day.
My Mother once said she was almost positive this was my dad. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When hes paroled in 55-years we are going fishing.
This is my wife Alicia. She once had an IQ contest with a brick and won second place! I was so proud of her because the year before she was disqualified for cheating.
My niece Sara-Beth lost all her teeth. She was licking an egg-beater after her mom made a cake and my nephew Jamie turned it on. He said it was an accident.
We are all proud of Uncle Daniel. At the age of 55, during several psychiatric admissions at Norristown State Hospital, he completed his GED and quit drinking whiskey. He now writes his own name.
Introducing my cousin Mary Ann and husband Frank (shes the one mom whacked in the chops with the suitcase). Shes a hottie, eh? She works in a library and they raise possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.
This is a picture of my older sister Cynthia right after she got her teeth fixed. She lives in Seattle. She has 15 kids and they all look different. She has a disease that makes her itch.
This is Michael, my step-brother. He used to be my best friend but he got lost looking for his glasses on the interstate and we never heard from him again. I never got over it. I still wear his underpants.
These are 2 kids we used to throw stuff at. When they got mad, we pulled down our pants and sang a song about our butts to make them laugh. There used to be three of them. Mom said we couldnt throw heavy stuff anymore.
I never had a brother but if I did I would want him to be just like Denny. He rides a motorcycle but crashed a lot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him it doesnt matter anymore whether or not he wears the helmet.
Finally, hear is my nephew Brad. He lives an alternate life-style. Im still not clear on exactly what that means but I do know he loves to go clothes shopping, his favorite food is fudge, and hes currently selling perfume in a department store on the West Coast.
Oh, dont let me forget Sarah, another sister. But you can see her in any discount liquor store . . . her pictures on the label of Butt-Ugly wine. Pretty good stuff.