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Bob Fort, webmaster
Man of Mystery
Each week the man of mystery will comment on life in Collegeville.
He may be funny or may slam a few folks or maybe just be thought provoking.
Commentary 8, June 2002
By the time boys grow into men they are expected to know the difference between Right and Wrong. But, if that were true, the social dilemma of today would be to figure out what to do with all of our empty jails, prisons, and penitentiaries. Sadly, thatís not a topic we need to deliberate.
In Collegeville there are men---just like honorable men across the globe---who struggle with the nuances of "right" and "wrong." Most of the conundrums that they face are solvable. . . . well, actually, there are always a few low-brows who canít pull their heads out of their asses long enough to think clearly (The last time I checked they all worked at Rednerís Market).
But throw a women into the mix and all bets are off. You could be having a lovely day, a lovely evening bonding with your soulmateÖ
ÖAnd then it happens. She poses a question. The question may sound innocent enough. But you are immediately catapulted to the ethical threshold---do I tell the truth or do I lie?
Thereís the rub.
Letís face it, men fear communication. They are slaves to the lie and strangers to all things honest. Most of our lives are spent figuring out what dishonesties we can promote in order to get laid. Itís not our fault, itís just how we have evolved. We are wired to do whatís necessary to get to the snatch (for you Harry Potter fans, I said "snatch" not "snitch").
So, with that understood, I must tell you that Iím a manís man (no, I donít hide night sticks in my fart box). I just mean that I enjoy commiserating with other men. And by way of this interaction I feel confident that Iíve identified some recurrent questions most asked by our weaker counterparts.
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one of them is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service from the Man-Of-Mystery, Iíve analyzed each question below that in my experience all men have been befuddled by---
along with the possible responses that will redeem us or send us straight to
hell in a hand basket.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer is, of course, "Be able to
f@*k a totally brand new woman and maybe not fight as much"). No matter how
you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions,
usually along these lines:
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