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Bob Fort, webmaster

Man of Mystery

Each week the man of mystery will comment on life in Collegeville.

He may be funny or may slam a few folks or maybe just be thought provoking.

Commentary 8, June 2002

By the time boys grow into men they are expected to know the difference between Right and Wrong. But, if that were true, the social dilemma of today would be to figure out what to do with all of our empty jails, prisons, and penitentiaries. Sadly, thatís not a topic we need to deliberate.

AnywayÖ

In Collegeville there are men---just like honorable men across the globe---who struggle with the nuances of "right" and "wrong." Most of the conundrums that they face are solvable. . . . well, actually, there are always a few low-brows who canít pull their heads out of their asses long enough to think clearly (The last time I checked they all worked at Rednerís Market).

But throw a women into the mix and all bets are off. You could be having a lovely day, a lovely evening bonding with your soulmateÖ

ÖAnd then it happens. She poses a question. The question may sound innocent enough. But you are immediately catapulted to the ethical threshold---do I tell the truth or do I lie?

Thereís the rub.

Letís face it, men fear communication. They are slaves to the lie and strangers to all things honest. Most of our lives are spent figuring out what dishonesties we can promote in order to get laid. Itís not our fault, itís just how we have evolved. We are wired to do whatís necessary to get to the snatch (for you Harry Potter fans, I said "snatch" not "snitch").

So, with that understood, I must tell you that Iím a manís man (no, I donít hide night sticks in my fart box). I just mean that I enjoy commiserating with other men. And by way of this interaction I feel confident that Iíve identified some recurrent questions most asked by our weaker counterparts.

What are you thinking about?

Do you love me?

Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one of them is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service from the Man-Of-Mystery, Iíve analyzed each question below that in my experience all men have been befuddled by---

along with the possible responses that will redeem us or send us straight to hell in a hand basket.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, and Intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

The Man-of-Mystery thinks that Al Bundy had the best response to this question when he told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" Or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses may include:

Compared to what?

Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

That depends on what you mean by love.

Does it matter?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Is it between you and your mother?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course
not!" Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer is, of course, "Be able to f@*k a totally brand new woman and maybe not fight as much"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them
with pictures of her?
MAN: Not for a long time, but Iíd keep yours in a special place.
WOMAN: Would you hold her right hand when you walked?
MAN: No, sheís left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh Shit

 

Man-Of Mystery

Past weeks ARCHIVE:

WEEK ONE

WEEK TWO

WEEK THREE

WEEK FOUR Web Master's ***** Hilarious

WEEK FIVE

Week Six

WEEK SEVEN

 

 

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